About Me

Hi there stranger but hopefully future friend,

I am sorry for the reason that you are here. I am Nikki, the creator of Grieving Arts. One day, I may show my picture on this page so you know who is talking to you but I am quiet, introverted, sensitive and private and grief has made those traits a lot stronger. I have been at the helm of this grief thing for ten years now but to be perfectly honest…even after all this time, I still have a lot of grief problems. It’s been kind of a letdown because I think I sort of believed this lie that grief would have stopped smacking me in the face by now. After all, how many times do we hear in the beginning of loss something like, time will heal all wounds? I guess I thought I was doing something wrong because after all these years, I still don’t feel fully healed. I have done lots of things to try to “fix” it but grief still insists on popping up from time to time.

I have learned and continue to painfully learn that I’m not the person I was before loss and that grief is pretty complicated. It’s not really a thing that can be fixed but only carried. It is also unique to each individual no matter what their story is. But it’s been difficult for me to find people to talk to and who understand. Our culture seems to be uncomfortable with death and the emotions surrounding it, making it easy to shut down and just not talk about it. But I don’t think I’m alone and I just want others suffering from grief to know they’re not either, whether it just happened or if it has been longer, like me.

The Void…

I was 36 in November of 2016 when I lost my husband to cancer after an eight year battle, leaving me devastated and a single mother of four young children. I am not just battle-scarred by spousal loss, but I have also lost my mother (2013) and grandmother (2021). So, yeah, I’ve been feeling pretty lonely for the past decade. Since I don’t have a very big immediate family to begin with, these losses have made my spousal grief that much more sharp. Here, I focus a lot on spousal loss (especially at a young age) because that was something that destroyed an enormous amount of my dreams and my future – something I imagine has affected other young widow/widowers in the same ways, especially as they try to move forward as a parent, possibly into other relationships and in general, a new normal.

As I mentioned before, I have tried to fix a lot of my grief issues. I wanted the void to go away. I’ve done things like:

• move not once, not twice, not even thrice, but four times
• connect with supportive people and families (or try to anyway)
• flee from toxic people and families (or try to anyway)
• read a lot of books
• watch a lot of movies (Sleepless in Seattle anyone?)
• support groups (online and in person)
• individual therapy
• art
• writing, journaling
• yoga
• meditation
• take lessons or do activities for things I’ve never tried before
• explore a new relationship and even get remarried
• obtain a Bachelor’s of Arts degree in Art History
• start a grief related website

I’m not saying none of this helped. It did. Some of it helped a lot. And I still do many of these things. For example, I have been an artist and a writer most of my life and those are outlets that you will see here because I have found that they are wonderful tools for helping with these type of emotions. But nothing has ever fixed or completely erased grief from my life. That darn void still insists on being there. It seems obvious because you can’t erase the event of the loss. So, how could you ever really stop grieving no matter how you much you surround yourself with other people, activities and positive memories? Regardless of this logic, I still find myself trying to fill the void.

A No Judgment Mission…

No matter who you are or what you’ve gone through, I’m not going to tell you how you should feel or what you should think. Why? Because, I have hated it when other people have done that to me. And believe me, I have had plenty try. In fact, I’ve been amazed at how many others try (even those closest to us), sometimes to the point of shaming you, excluding you, and overall just plain doing the opposite of LOVING YOU. I have even had people in support groups belittle some of my grief related triggers. I don’t want that for you.

No, here I want create an environment of total and unconditional support. No shame. No exclusion. No judgement.

Why Art? And What if You’re Not an Artist?

To say art and books have always held a special fascination for me just doesn’t seem to explain it justly. A better description would be: if there is, in fact, only a magical slip of a curtain that separates Earth from an enchanted land of dreams, then art and books would be the thing that draws that curtain aside for me.

I came from a military family, so when I was growing up, we moved around a lot which was very difficult for me due to my introverted nature. So, art and books became the friends I always got to keep. This is something that continued throughout my life. Later, when I went through significant grief and loss, art became even more meaningful to me. The freedom, the comfort, the ability to express my innermost thoughts and feelings…paper, pencils and paint never had any judgement towards me. If I can show you how to find some grief relief through art as well, in even the tiniest way, I think that would be wonderful.

If you don’t think of yourself as artistic or creative, that’s totally fine. There are different types of artistic expression that is not just about drawing or painting. There’s music, writing, dance, and more. In fact, please visit my post, I Am Not Artistic. And It’s Okay!, where I describe in more detail about other ways you can enjoy art.

My Goal? To Offer Validation and Comfort.

I try to do this through articles on grief, artistic activities and journaling. I am also documenting my own process and sharing it with you. I began journaling my experiences in 2014 when I was still a caregiver for my late husband and have continued to this day. I’ve just never really shared it (beyond therapy). This site explores common grief related issues through me, my children and sometimes, other family members.

I am not a doctor or a therapist, just someone who has had a lot of losses and knows what grief feels like. I want this site to be a presence where you can feel a sense of safety and support. I want it to feel like a friend. Maybe you’ll read something here that connects with you on a deeper level. This may be a connection that you desperately need but you’re not always getting in day to day life where you’re often surrounded by people who may not always understand what you’re feeling.

When you feel validated with a troubling emotion like grief, especially from someone who really gets it, it can make a lot of difference in how you approach each day and how you interact with people. When you know you’re not alone and you feel understood, it allows a relief that can be soothing to what feels like a shattered soul. I hope I can provide some of that for you.

Ultimately, this site is about self care for grief. Not just for me but for you, too.

Take care,

Nikki

grievingarts.com
nikki@grievingarts.com