Today, I want to talk a little about grief and peace. I haven’t written a post for this site in a little while and that’s because this time of year is my peaceful time of year. It’s summer time currently, in fact, technically, it is just beginning, with the summer solstice having just occurred about a week ago. It seems like a good time of year to have a breather from grief pain. The sun shines more, nature is in bloom, the days are longer. For me, it can feel almost like the me that was normal before grief and trauma entered my life.
The reason why this is is my peaceful time of year is because I have no grief anniversaries, no birthdays, nothing that reminds me all too sharply of the people I have loved and lost. I would say my peaceful time starts around the end of March and lasts until August. Specifically, August 10th, where I am reminded my late husband’s birthday. Unfortunately, after that, from August, pretty much until the end of March again, I am poked with the occasional sharp grief stick, especially as we get closer to the holiday season.
But for right now, I am enjoying the peace and my annual break from all of the pain that sometimes plagues me for the rest of the year.
What Does Peace Feel Like For Me/You?
This really is the perfect time for me to write about how any form of inner peace feels since I feel so much more of it right now.
It’s a relief.
That’s the best way I can think of to describe it. The ghosts are leaving me alone at the moment. I am not haunted and lonely and empty, longing for something that can never be and never will be again. Instead, I feel almost content. I am enjoying nature, I am enjoying activities, I am enjoying my family. Everything feels more clean and more sweet. I am reminded that it is possible to feel good again.
It’s so nice to be able to look at a flower and find appreciation in the fact that it blooms for a change. Unlike when we’re in the throes of grief, we might look at that same flower and find ourselves thinking, “Why are you blooming? What right do you have to bloom when things feel terrible and wrong? You horrible flower, reminding me that life still goes on.”
When I’m in this time of year, I stop being mad at the flowers for blooming. I let them live and allow myself to as well.
Sometimes, Peace Feels Wrong
I had a brief moment this summer, where I traveled to the East Coast, specifically Northern Virginia, where I used to live, to visit family. One night, I was in the very area that was not far from where I used to live with my late husband and our four children before cancer wrecked it all.
Coming back to this area never fails to bring me a sense of “home” but in a very ghostly kind of way. I was only there overnight but even in that short amount of time, I felt the familiarity of something long gone. I saw the exit to the town where our old apartment complex was. I saw familiar streets, buildings, shopping centers. I saw all of these things that were now the past for me. And for a brief moment, all my inner peace felt wrong.
It’s a normal thing to feel. We feel guilty for having survived. We feel guilty for having gone on living. Back to the flower, we feel weird for any moments that we might be blooming. Suddenly, for this very short time, all of my ghosts hovered, reminding me of all that I lost and that my peace, at the moment, was something of an illusion.
But after we passed that exit and went on the airport, where we boarded a plane to come back to Austin, TX, I couldn’t help returning to that sense of relief and peace again. Just being near my gate, waiting for boarding to begin, I felt relieved to leave the ghosts behind and come back here where so far, I have had mainly positive memories. There are no ghosts in this town. And peace doesn’t feel so wrong.
There’s Never Absolute Peace Concerning Grief
As I’ve said before and will probably say again, grief never really leaves us. It may become less sharp over time, but that sense of loss will always be there and there will always be something to remind us of it. Even if we leave the place where it occurred.
I may be in my peace from grief time of year right now, but just that overnight trip to Northern Virginia reminded me of the trauma that I still carry. I even promptly had a nightmare soon after my return, screaming in my sleep, and scaring my new spouse who had to wake me up and calm me down. So, that just shows me the impact loss truly can have on all of us and our mental help, no matter how peaceful you might feel at any point in your grief journey.
It’s a hard pill to swallow, knowing that you may always be haunted in some way, shape or form. But all we can do is the best we can with what we have to work with. It’s not going to be perfect and we’ll never return to who we were before the loss. But we can still find ways to enjoy a little peace now and then.
Finding Pathways to Peace
Finding our little ways to sunshine are going to look different for everyone. For some people, it’s nature. For others, it’s work. For still others, it’s a variety of different things, like writing, sports, cooking, or any hobby or activity that you like to do in your spare time.
Whatever it is, it’s about finding a spot in life where you can shift your focus to something else, a place that brings you a sense of relief and that peace. This doesn’t apply just to grief either. Most people need something to do in their downtime that they enjoy and brings them some happiness and feeds the soul.
So, here is the time to ask yourself, where in my life do I feel this kind of inner peace and contentment? Is it reading my favorite book? Is it getting a pina colada sno-cone on a hot day? Is it swimming? Is it visiting a special family member? Should I try something new that I haven’t done yet but always wanted to do?
Whatever it is, you deserve it. We all deserve to feel a little peace anyway but when you’re dealing with the ghosts of grief, you especially want to take the time to figure out the ways in which you can live your most peaceful existence. Because this crap sucks and your soul needs a whole lot of love.
Take care!
Nikki