Grief can completely and totally warp our sense of self when it occurs. The person that you become afterwards may be unrecognizable, both to yourself and to others. Since everyone is different, there’s no guarantee how death will change your emotional makeup. People may tell you things about yourself that they see or notice as time goes on. You might agree with them or you might think they’re crazy. Or you might not even care what anyone thinks of you. I envy that ability if you have it. But just in case you’re even just a little bit curious – do you see yourself as others see you?
One thing I often heard through my caregiving days and for a year or so after my husband died, was how brave and strong I was. Some people even called me “heroic”. I had taken care of him all throughout his illness while simultaneously parenting four small children. Many people told me that they would never been able to do it themselves and how much they admired that I did and that I was able to. This compliment began to make me feel strange after some time but I wasn’t sure why that was until I heard someone in my grief support group complain about hearing the same thing. And the way they explained it was that if we happened to appear brave and strong it was because we had no other choice. This sad, traumatic situation was forced upon us. What else were we supposed to do? I guess the saying comes to mind:
You don’t know how strong you are, until being strong is your only choice – Bob Marley
No one asks for grief. No one asks for the situations that ultimately will cause grief. I mean, yes I’m glad that I stepped up to the challenge because apparently, not everyone would. But I don’t see myself as any kind of hero. Just someone who loved and cared about her family and did what I would hope any spouse would do in a life or death situation.
Reflect On You
This activity is pretty simple and straightforward and will allow you to self reflect on who you are (or who you think you are) post grief. It will also tell you how you think others view you, whether or not it’s accurate. It doesn’t matter if it is or not, because what matters in this activity is how YOU feel. You are certainly welcome to share your results with people you know to see what they have to say but if you don’t think you’ll get supportive comments, I would say keep it for yourself or for therapy or even share it with me, if you’d like.
What can make this exercise interesting is finding out if what you think about yourself aligns with what you think others see when they interact with you. This can include family and friends but it can also include total and complete strangers if any particular memories come to mind. What’s the first impression that you think people tend to get of you? Especially now with grief so prominent in your soul?
Materials
You don’t need very much for this exercise. I do include an extra option below in the instructions however, if you want extra color or description.
- Sheet of white paper (can be lined notebook paper or construction paper – whatever you prefer)
- Pen and/or pencils (can be colored if you want)
Instructions
- Draw three boxes. Make them as large as possible and try to fill up your paper. If you’re a perfectionist like I am sometimes, feel free to grab a ruler and make them completely straight.
- In the first box, you’re going to write and/or draw “How You See Yourself”.
- In the second box, you’re going to write and/or draw “How You Think Others See You”.
- In the third box, you’re going to write and/or draw “How You Want to Be Seen.”
Optional: If you’d prefer, you can find and print pictures online to use to fill up one box or even fill up all of your boxes. You could also rip out images from old magazines and paste them in your boxes.
My Results
You can click on my image above to see it up close. For me, for how I see myself, I put art at the forefront because I feel like creativity has always been at the center of my soul. As long as I can remember, I have found comfort in art. It’s a part of me that I can’t imagine being without. But I also put:
- Sensitive
- Introvert
- Family Focused
- Big Heart
For how I think others see me, I got very emotional and found myself just scribbling in a crude drawing of myself as a doormat to put in the center. The important thing about art therapy type activities like this is to go with these sudden impulses if you have them because they can be very telling of your real feelings. I also listed:
- Easy to take advantage of
- Artsy
- Weird
- Just okay
- Too Sensitive
- Too quiet
- Easy to forget
- Easy to disregard
- Brave
- Kind
- Sweet
I often feel that in reality because people find me to be nice and quiet, that they take this to mean they can easily dismiss me and my feelings. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve gotten better about voicing them but grief issues have caused me to pull back from a lot of interaction because emotionally, I just don’t want to put up with the possibility of being disregarded.
For how I want to be seen? For some reason that stumped me a bit. I had to sit and think on that one for awhile. Then when I went through a random magazine, a simple picture of the Earth from outer space jumped out at me. And I put that in my third box because often, the only thing I’ve ever wanted is for people to just think the world of me. Not in a ego driven I wanna be famous kind of way. Just a I sincerely love and appreciate you and am so happy you’re a part of my life kind of way. The way my grandmother always did.
I did this activity with my family and personally, I found it somewhat enlightening. I got to see what my kids thought about themselves and how they wanted to be seen. I also got to see how they thought that others viewed them. It was interesting because there were many characteristics that they listed that I didn’t expect to see. And of course, I got to share the same things with them. I don’t know if they were as moved as I was but I do think they enjoyed the activity. So, if you have children or would like to do this with family members, especially if they have also been affected by loss, I think this is a good activity to try together.
Conclusion
Here’s hoping that was all fairly well explained and that I wasn’t rambling stuff that made no sense. But my main point is that grief will change the way you see yourself and it may change the way you feel others see you. How do you want to be seen after all of this? Like me, you may find it difficult to know the answer.
If you found this particular idea intriguing, please try it, whether it’s on your own or with others. And if you’d feel comfortable in sharing your results with me and visitors to this site, you are always welcome to post in the comment box below. I’m always happy to offer supportive comments for you.
Take care!