If you’re visiting this page because you want to know how to help a grieving widow, thank you for looking for ways to support them after their loss. If you are a fellow griever, you know that there are many more comments and behaviors that will upset a widow than what I’ve listed here. But I chose the following for this post because these are ones that particularly annoyed me and other widows that I spoke with. Actually, “annoyed” is not really the right word. I think a better word is hurtful. In fact, they were extremely hurtful and sometimes these type of comments are made by the people who are closest to us. They are not always trying to hurt us, but unfortunately, that’s what can happen, especially when it comes from someone who is not living the day to day consequences of losing someone.
You’ll Find Someone Else.
I had a family member who seemed to hope that I’d just snap my fingers and completely forget all about the person that I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with. This kind of remark is not just limited to age, however. Many people try to encourage replacing your person for many reasons. Sometimes, they can’t stand to see you so sad and lonely and don’t know how to deal with it other than forcing you into a new relationship. Another reason is that sometimes, society, in general, makes you feel bad or guilty if you’re not with someone. When you are a younger widow, the way I was at 36, it’s often heavily suggested that you have your whole life ahead of you still, so you can’t spend it alone. You may be told that this isn’t something your late spouse would have wanted for you.
A personal example on this one: I have had someone actually point out other men in public to me and ask, “What about him? Don’t you think he’s cute?” Then they became confused and huffy as to why I glared at them with the fire of a thousands suns.
Be Glad You’re Not Divorced.
If the first one didn’t upset you enough, there’s this one. Can anyone please tell me why we should be happy that our
spouses died rather than divorced us? I have been fortunate enough to not have had personal experience with this comment. But I have heard from other widows who did and it really bothered me, not to mention them.
Apparently, getting divorced is far worse than having your spouse die. Why? Here is the rather irritated explanation that other widows in support groups said they received: Because, at least, the surviving spouse is no longer tied to someone for the rest of our lives, giving us a chance to start over with a clean slate. We don’t have to worry about harassing someone for child support or arranging visitations or dealing with any custody court requirements or watching them remarry and create new, uncomfortable family dynamics.
Going through the death of a spouse comes with its own set of complications. These can also involve courts, insurance, child support through Social Security, trying to figure out how to shape your future with a big gaping hole in it that will never be filled, and tending to the emotional needs of children who will never ever have their deceased parent again. And if you do decide to remarry, you may also have to deal with new, uncomfortable family dynamics.
So, I’m not exactly sure why we should be happy that our spouses died instead. If anyone has any personal experience with this kind of comment, please let me know below.
You Should Get Out More. Be Strong.
This one is a common problem, I think, and probably the one I had the most trouble with. Feeling obligated to participate in social gatherings or activities or holidays helps the other people feel better, not necessarily you. This is one of those times where it can become evident that our society and culture doesn’t know how to effectively deal with death. And they don’t want to. What they want is for you to get better and not be sad anymore. It makes them feel bad, too, and they don’t want that. They might want to help you but don’t know how to other than advise you to get out and do more things because if you’re not thinking about the loss, then maybe it’s not there. Or maybe you’ll get over it faster if you get out and force yourself to do fun things.
I have so much personal experience with this one. I have had both family and friends insist on doing endless activities in order to help me get over the sadness. Doing constant socializing or activities outside of the house is already difficult for me as an introvert. Put grief on top of it and it was a million times worse. But I often felt obligated to go anyway because well…after all, they meant well, right?
There was one Mother’s Day where one of my family members insisted on taking me and my grandmother out to dinner. Initially, I said yes because it’s a kind gesture, especially on that particular day. But being a single parent of four children, I was often dragging each and every day and it didn’t help that I was always being coaxed to go out even more in order to show the world how strong I was. I was often exhausted physically and mentally to the point of being ill. I realized I really wasn’t in any position to go out. I wound up calling up my family member and saying, “I’m sorry, but I just can’t do this.” She ended up getting really mad at me and told me I ruined everything. It was the first time I had ever canceled because before I had always felt obligated to go everywhere. But my mindset then was also, it’s Mother’s Day and all I want to do is to lie down. Why can’t I have this one thing on a day that’s supposed to be for mothers? This wound up throwing me back into grief agony because I couldn’t help but remember how my late spouse would have insisted I sleep and taken the kids off somewhere and told everyone else to quit guilt tripping me.
This reminds me of one thing we discussed in support group which was we should be strong. Strong enough to say no.
You Should Be Alone and Sad.
Funny to follow up the last one, which was how you should be strong and move forward, with this one which proclaims you’re
moving forward too fast or acting too happy. Don’t you care that your person has died? Why are you smiling and doing fun stuff all of a sudden?
I, like many others I’m sure, have become aware that there seem to be some unspoken rules about the appropriate lengths of time when it comes to grieving and how you do it. It makes me want to do some deeper research on how the handling of grief has evolved over time. Most of us have heard that one year is the most common deadline. After that, you’re allowed to smile freely again. In fact, if you don’t, you may start hearing a lot more of the comment before this one on how you need to get out more, date and be fun again.
But what if you start having fun long before that? Maybe even within the first month? What if you decide to start new hobbies, throw parties, date or travel or something? What if you tell everyone about your awesome times while laughing and socializing? What if you plaster it all over FaceBook? Well, this can baffle a lot of people, who may promptly decide that you must not care about your person dying and that you are insensitive and awful.
But for some people, this is how they have to deal with the loss. They are trying to fill the void as soon as possible. But someone may not understand this if they haven’t had the loss or if they handled their grief differently. It’s just another one of those examples of how everyone’s grief journey is different.
Treating Widows Like Potential Spouse Stealers or Gold Diggers
This subject may need its own page one day. It’s a topic that I’ve come across rather frequently. This is not just limited to my own experience but also from other widows I have spoken with. There have been times in which I would often come up against a clear hostility from other people, especially other women, when it came to interacting with other families. For example, if someone’s husband spoke to me, I sometimes received disapproving stares. A man I once knew used to ask me (I guess too often for his wife) if I was doing okay and every single time he spoke to me, his wife would barge in between us and demand that he complete an urgent task. At first, I didn’t think anything of it but eventually, it became a pattern that was impossible not to notice. Once, she practically hurled their baby at him and squealed, “She said DADDY! Did you hear that? DADDY!!” all while staring at me. I started avoiding them once I became aware of it.
It really depressed me. It wasn’t just the snipey little comments that upset me but it also hurt to be continually reminded that I was now an outsider. With my husband gone, my children and I no longer belonged anywhere when it came to families. Some people seemed to think that because I had lost part of my family, I might try to steal theirs. So, I started trying to keep to myself as much as possible. I wasn’t looking for anyone, I didn’t want anyone, but some people treated me as if I was in the shadows plotting at all times. I was also asked in very edgy tones about my finances through questions like these: “So, just where are you working?” or “You do have a way to provide for your children, right?” Heavy emphasis on the word, “right”. For me, it became much safer to be alone than to be subjected to these interactions. 
I did wonder if something was wrong with me and if I was really giving off some kind of desperate vibe. I didn’t think I was because I barely talked or interacted with anyone. After discussing it later with other widows, I discovered this was a common experience. And age didn’t matter. I had wondered if maybe it was because I was a young widow. But women who were 20-30 years older than me with adult children were sometimes treated with similar hostility. In a discussion with one widow, she said with much annoyance, “I wish I could tell people that my late husband was the equivalent of filet mignon, so why would I want to bother with someone else’s leftovers?”
One widow I spoke with suggested that one problem is that widowed women are often viewed as desperate, lonely and money hungry because of many stereotypes on television shows, in movies and in books. The Lonely Widow is a prominent character just like The Evil Stepmother. I hadn’t thought of that before she mentioned it to me. Of course, you don’t think about a lot of things before grief touches your life. I don’t know if Hollywood is the only reason why widows are sometimes viewed that way but whatever the reason, people were often afraid that as a single, widowed mother, I was so lonely or broke that I was scouting out possible marriages to destroy in order to get my hands on some guy and all his cash.
When I did meet my new partner, Michael, (which happened through a grief support group) I assumed all that treatment would finally end. Maybe others would feel like their spouses were safe and they could be friendly with me. But no, some people still made comments with those same edgy tones that implied that I was only with Michael for financial purposes or just plain desperation. It wasn’t true but denying it didn’t seem to help.
The point is, is that I don’t think most widowed people are plotting to sabatoge other people’s families or steal all their stuff. After all, we know what it feels like to have a family get destroyed. We suffer forever because of it.
So, what is the right thing to say?
After all the things I pointed that you probably shouldn’t say, you may be wondering what it is you should say.
To be perfectly honest, I don’t know. It seems like I should know, but I don’t. Because what one person needs is going to be different from everyone else. And a lot of time, we don’t even know what it is we need to hear. Unfortunately, you may have to try some things and just see what works.
But for now, start with this:
- Ask if they would feel comfortable talking about the person. If it would help for them to tell you about them or what they miss. Sometimes, widows/widowers do want to hear this offer, especially if they are feeling alone and like everyone is tiptoeing around them afraid to say anything. If they don’t want to talk about it, just accept that and let them know if they need to talk, you’re available. And don’t just say that if you don’t mean it. Be truly available. A lot of people offer support just to be polite and then don’t follow up. Don’t be that person.
- If you are also a widowed person, you can offer further suggestions on support systems like therapy or support groups, usually without it coming across as annoying. Especially if you’ve found a good group and had a nourishing experience. This is because when you are a fellow widow/widower, your advice often comes with more weight as you’ve been through it before.
- Offer to take care of something to reduce their overwhelm. Don’t just ask if they need anything. This is too open ended for such an overwhelming loss and they often don’t even know. So, make specific offers. Offer to help them with laundry, or cooking or childcare. Take their garbage out. If you’re good at gardening or outdoors, offer to take care of their lawn for a couple of months. Figure out exact days and times you can do specific things and follow up with it. Again, don’t offer just to be polite and then not really be available. They may or may not accept because again, everyone has individual needs. If they turn you down, just give them your number if they change their minds. And if you have upcoming plans that may interfere with that offer, like going out of town, vacation, big project at work that has Saturday meetings or something, let them know right away just in case.
Have you had a hurtful experience with one of the above comments that you’d like to share? Or advice on more helpful things to say?
Just let me and others know below. Please be polite and do not judge anyone’s feelings.
Take care and know you’re not alone.