Today, I want to talk a little about grief and cooking. Actually, the mix of grief and food in general. Because if you’ve had significant loss, I’m sure you know that our appetites are usually highly affected by it. I’d also like to talk about “comfort food”. Almost everyone I know has some sort of comfort food and it’s usually connected to a memory or feeling or some kind of emotion. This can be an interesting topic even if you’re like me and tend to completely lose your appetite due to grief or any kind of stress or turmoil. In the early stages of grief, I was never hungry during the day because there was just too much to deal with. (My stomach still dies whenever anything that even hints at the dark side comes up.) Also, my thoughts were, who cares about food? I honestly did not care if I ate or not.
But I cared if my children ate. I made sure they continued to get balanced meals as I had always done. And, as evening crept in and things started quieting down, I found that I could be a little more open to the idea of food for myself. For a long time after becoming a widow, I would fix my children’s meals separately. Then after dinner, once they were settled doing something else quietly, or even after they went to bed, was when I would fix myself something, whatever I wanted. I found this to be kind of therapeutic because I got to focus in on something that provided sustenance just for myself after having to take care of everyone else all day long. Also, the end of the day marked a certain feeling of “safety” for me. One, because I’m a night owl who functions better at night anyway. But two, because the day was over and everything was closed and quiet. I didn’t have to call up doctors or insurance companies or run errands or anything that can only be done during the work day when everything is open and everyone is awake. Night time was my quiet time. So, it was only then I felt safe enough to eat and possibly enjoy it a little.
Loss of Appetite
When something highly emotionally charged such as grief occurs, a lot of people can’t even think about food. I am one of these people. I will go hours or even much longer without food because I just cannot stomach anything. The idea of eating makes me wants to throw up during these times. I get absolutely no pleasure from it. When something happens to upset me enough, I immediately shun the whole idea of food. If you’re like this, it might not be something you notice all that much, especially if you’re busy doing things. In early grief, you are usually dealing with visitors, family, paperwork, memorial arrangements and loads of other stuff that can make you forget that you’re supposed to eat in order to live.
But even now, when I get grief triggers, my appetite is usually the first thing to go. Like last night for instance, something at the dinner table triggered my grief. I don’t want to talk about it in detail right now, but someone said something that suddenly reminded me very sharply of something having to do with my late husband, Charlie, and it made me both angry and very sad. Because I was at the table eating, it made me notice the effect much more sharply. My appetite took a sudden nose dive. It was so bad that I packed up my food and put it away because I knew right away that I was finished eating for the night. I actually happened to be eating one of my favorite comfort foods, fried okra. But my grief got triggered so badly, I didn’t even want it anymore. That’s how much my appetite can be affected. I didn’t even want the so called comfort food.
When I was triggered at dinner and didn’t want food, I wound up leaving the house for a little while to just drive around and be completely alone where I didn’t have to hear anything or interact with anyone in any way. It was only then, that I actually found myself contemplating getting something like a milk tea from one of those Boba houses. If I could just sit quietly in my car and sip on something like that, I was a little more open to the idea of food, or technically, liquid. Ultimately, I decided not to get anything but I had to be alone to even think about it. I feel safe when I’m alone.
I often need solitude anyway, as an introvert. But it’s even worse when I get triggered. I just don’t want to deal with any human interaction. I just want to be by myself and try to breathe.
I lost a whole lot of weight during my caregiving days and more after my mom and especially, Charlie, died. So much, that people began commenting on it and dropping by with casseroles and soups and things. I just know during those times, eating didn’t seem very important to me. My thought process was always something like:
“How can I eat when Charlie can never be here again, when he can’t give our daughter a hot dog or fix cinnamon toast for our son the way he used to?”
“How can I eat when the best father in the world is gone?”
“How can I eat when my family is broken?”
“Who cares about food? Eating won’t bring Charlie and Mom back.”
Overeating
A lot of people find a great deal of comfort in eating during stressful, emotional moments. They have the opposite response
of loss of appetite and find a whole lot of emotional sustenance through food. As I mentioned above, I usually only get this feeling if I’m completely alone. If I get any comfort in food during a time that I’ve been triggered or upset in any way, it has to be when I’m alone and feel “safe” from other people and situations.
But in the rare moments that I am not only alone and upset but decide to splurge on food, it can be easy to overeat and in the process, make yourself sick. I can have this problem with ice cream. In fact, don’t they often make use of this on television? When a character is down in the dumps, don’t they run straight to the ice cream? Or maybe pizza? I know someone who gets a big pizza whenever she’s feeling upset. For me, in just the right combination of grief, solitude and emotional hunger, it can be very satisfying to drive to someplace like Cold Stone Creamery or Andy’s Custard and get a large cookie dough or cake batter concrete with hot fudge and marshmallow creme. Makes my mouth water just thinking about it. It would also give me a raging stomachache afterwards due to me being a little lactose intolerant. But again, for me, personally, I have to be in the right mindset to overeat because usually I lose my appetite.
In early grief, it can be easy to overeat if people are bringing you food to help you through the first few weeks. If it’s there and you didn’t feel like cooking anyway, food can feel like a friend. But what if the food isn’t there and you still don’t feel like cooking? Well, thanks to delivery and takeout, you may have access to all kinds of food and again, it can make it easy to make food a friend.
Which one are you? Do you run from food or dive into it? Or can it be both?
Good Comfort Foods
I call these good comfort foods because these are the ones that we feel connect us with something positive and meaningful. These are the foods that we turn to, often when we’re emotionally down, because they offer something more than just physical sustenance. Actually, depending on what it is, I guess it may not offer a whole lot of that, but that’s okay because really, the whole point of comfort food is something that satisfies us emotionally, right?
You don’t necessarily have to be grieving or depressed to enjoy a comfort food. Sometimes, you just want that connection at any time. But because this article is about grief and food and cooking, I’m going to focus on that.
So, for example, here are some things that I consider good comfort foods for myself. And I’ll tell you why.
- Mom’s Fried Egg – no one has ever made a fried egg the way I like it except for my mother. I have been told I am extremely picky and weird about how they are cooked. I don’t like them to be brown and crunchy around the edges, whatsoever (that’s the part people seem to think is especially weird). The yolk has to be just the right amount of runny in the middle but can be slightly solid on the outside. She was the only one who could accomplish it. I can’t even do it myself as well as she could. I keep trying and I’ve come close but it’s still not the same as hers and now that she’s gone, she’ll never be able to make it for me again.
- Mom & My Grandmother’s Homemade Macaroni and Cheese – I love this recipe even though I’m not a big pasta fan and usually think macaroni and cheese is a little boring. But my mother and grandmother would make this one on Thanksgiving every year. It has a homemade white sauce with cream cheese melted into it. They would layer the pasta with the sauce and shredded cheddar and bake it. The result was this kind of rich, gooey and super cheesy macaroni. I never get enough of it and ever since the first time I made it for my children, they have now also adopted it as one of their comfort foods. They’re always begging me to make that homemade macaroni and cheese.
- Fudge – This is another thing my mother used to make. But only around Christmas time. She used to
say that she couldn’t make fudge too much because that’s all she would eat, so it only got made once a year. It’s simple and it wasn’t until I was grown that I found out that she only used the Fantasy Fudge recipe off the back of the marshmallow creme jar on the baking aisle. Go get it if you’re also a fudge fan. But I love this fudge and now, I make it every year, too. - Homemade Cookies – Again, another thing my mother and grandmother used to make every single year for holidays. But also, my grandmother would send me special cookie packages in the mail at other times of the year. Just for me. So, now, I love to make my kids homemade cookies of all kinds. I’m pretty sure these have become the same kind of happy memory for them as it has for me.
- Fried Okra – Every summer when I was a kid, my grandmother and aunt would sometimes take me to Church’s Chicken when I visited them in Texas and get me a whole bunch of fried okra. We did not have a Church’s where we lived at the time. If you’re unfamiliar, it’s just a regular fast food fried chicken place like Popeyes. But anyway, I was really wild about their fried okra. And I still love fried okra even now. It doesn’t have to be from there, anywhere is fine. But it’s definitely a comfort food that reminds me of my fun summers as a kid in Texas.
- Soups – Most of my good comfort foods have seemed to come from my mom and grandmother. But this is one that
just happened for myself. I found out I like making soups a lot. I had started liking them before grief but I found them especially comforting afterwards. I would love to eat soup almost all the time, honestly. It’s so nice to just get out the crockpot and put everything in there and let it simmer all day long while you get to smell it. Or if you’re not there, it greets you when you walk in the door later. To me, it gives me the feeling of someone being there and then the home doesn’t feel quite so lonely. - Ice Cream – This is a common comfort food for many people. I really, really like ice cream. Unfortunately, it doesn’t help my lactose issue. That’s also an problem with the macaroni and cheese above. But, I still eat it because I just like it too much. I just have to have the Pepto nearby.
- Hot Tea – I have this every single morning after I get up and every single night before bed. I don’t want to be without my hot tea. It probably comforts me more than anything and always has.
say that she couldn’t make fudge too much because that’s all she would eat, so it only got made once a year. It’s simple and it wasn’t until I was grown that I found out that she only used the Fantasy Fudge recipe off the back of the marshmallow creme jar on the baking aisle. Go get it if you’re also a fudge fan. But I love this fudge and now, I make it every year, too.
just happened for myself. I found out I like making soups a lot. I had started liking them before grief but I found them especially comforting afterwards. I would love to eat soup almost all the time, honestly. It’s so nice to just get out the crockpot and put everything in there and let it simmer all day long while you get to smell it. Or if you’re not there, it greets you when you walk in the door later. To me, it gives me the feeling of someone being there and then the home doesn’t feel quite so lonely.Most of these foods are especially meaningful to me now that I have lost my mother and grandmother. I feel their presence and love them both every time I make their recipes. When I make these things for my
kids and see them making the same connection, some with them but now with me also, it makes me feel even more meaningful knowing that they will one day, be doing the same thing I’m doing, either for themselves, each other or their own future families.
Finding comfort in soup making has been helpful for my grief as well. I find soups therapeutic. I think a lot of people do, actually, because we often eat them during times of illness, for one thing. Chicken soup, for example, is one of those things recommended for colds and flus, right? So, I guess it makes sense to get emotional comfort from them on other levels, too. And as I mentioned before, use of the crockpot, made my home feel a little less empty after my husband died.
Bad Comfort Foods
This probably doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. Bad comfort foods? I mean, if it’s bad, how could it be called comfort food to begin with? Well, to be honest, I wasn’t sure how to describe this accurately. But it’s something that happened to me in grief that I wanted to talk about. It might be better to describe them as “Grief Triggering Foods.”
These are foods that used to be comforting, but aren’t anymore. And all because of grief or any other emotion that doesn’t feel good such as depression or anger. That’s the best way I can think to describe it. And as always, it’s due to emotional connection/reaction and memories. Grief can change our relationship to food.
Let me show you some more examples and tell you the reasoning behind them:
- BLT Salad, Banana Pudding & Pineapple Upside Down Cake – My late husband, Charlie, had several things that he really loved for me to make before he lost his ability to eat altogether. This became one of Charlie’s favorite dinners that I made. The BLT salad (greens tossed with bacon, tomatoes, croutons and a garlicy mayo dressing) was the main course and then for dessert, he liked when I made homemade banana pudding or pineapple upside down cake. I used to find it very comforting to make this meal for us. These were Charlie’s comfort foods. But, to this day, I have not made that BLT salad or the pineapple cake because it makes me want to cry. I have made the banana pudding many times because our children begged and pleaded with me to (I think it’s become one of their comfort foods now). So, I have become “okay” with the banana pudding. But mostly because of them. It’s a great recipe but it still makes me feel funny sometimes.
- Thanksgiving Stuffing – Charlie used to make this every year on Thanksgiving, even when he couldn’t eat anymore.
Every year, he would change it up in some way just to be adventurous. But every version he made was always fabulous. While growing up, my family always made regular stuffing, you know just with the bread and the seasonings, maybe a little celery and onion, I think. But Charlie made all these different stuffings with dried fruits and fresh apples and sausage. Sometimes, he tried nuts, too. I remember when we were first together, I thought that was weird because the only stuffing I’d ever had was the other kind. And also, I wasn’t a big stuffing fan. But I really, really, REALLY loved Charlie’s stuffing. In fact, it was the first time I ever liked stuffing. It was definitely a comfort food. Then. But now, it’s another recipe that makes me want to cry. I just realized, this is probably another reason I don’t like Thanksgiving anymore (to be addressed in another article on holiday survival during grief). - Yellow Squash/Onion/Green Bell Pepper Side Medley – This example might sound a little strange. But I threw this combination together one night many, many years ago because I wanted a side dish for some meal and these were the only vegetables I had. All I did was saute them in a little olive oil and salt and pepper them. Occasionally. I’d add fresh mushrooms. But I wound up really liking the flavors and it was pretty to look at, too. I started finding comfort in this during my caregiver days. So much that I recall thinking for many months, I need to tell my mom about this. At the time, she was going through the loss of her partner, and she was finding a lot of comfort in cooking. I kept meaning to tell her about this particular dish because she wanted some simple side for meals but my head had started entering scatterbrain phase due to cancer caregiving and mom of four little kids. So, I remember, I wrote down a reminder to myself, “Tell Mom about recipe”, so that when I talked to her next, I could tell her about it. Then, right after I wrote that, we found out that she had died. There was something about not getting to share such a simple thing with her that completely ruined this dish for me. I still have not made it since 2013, the year she died. Sometimes, I think about trying it again, but so far, I haven’t been able to.
- Egg salad – I actually don’t like egg salad at all. But my very last conversation with my mother was her telling me about one of her new comfort foods featured egg salad. I remember telling her I didn’t like egg salad and she told me that she never used to either. But now, she had a recipe that made her like it. It was boiled eggs with mayonaisse, salt, pepper, celery seed and chopped green olives. She kept telling me to try it and maybe it would change my mind about egg salad, too. But I didn’t, and I never got to share that with her. To this day, I keep thinking, maybe I’ll still try that egg salad recipe because it became a comfort food for her, but I haven’t been able to yet. Because every time I think about it, I remember that being one of the last things we ever talked about. You never think your last conversation with someone you love is going to be about something like egg salad.
Every year, he would change it up in some way just to be adventurous. But every version he made was always fabulous. While growing up, my family always made regular stuffing, you know just with the bread and the seasonings, maybe a little celery and onion, I think. But Charlie made all these different stuffings with dried fruits and fresh apples and sausage. Sometimes, he tried nuts, too. I remember when we were first together, I thought that was weird because the only stuffing I’d ever had was the other kind. And also, I wasn’t a big stuffing fan. But I really, really, REALLY loved Charlie’s stuffing. In fact, it was the first time I ever liked stuffing. It was definitely a comfort food. Then. But now, it’s another recipe that makes me want to cry. I just realized, this is probably another reason I don’t like Thanksgiving anymore (to be addressed in another article on holiday survival during grief).What’s Your Comfort Food?
I have a lot more comfort food examples, both bad and good, but now, I’d like to hear yours and how you deal with the combination of food and grief. If you hate food because grief has sucked away your appetite, then let me know what you think might bring you comfort to nibble on if you were to try fixing or getting something that was just for you and you only.
Some questions to ask yourself if you try that:
What foods gave you fond memories and emotional connections as a child?
What foods did you turn to for sustenance when ill?
If you were to try to make yourself something now, with these memories, what do you think you’d try?
How do you think grief has affected your appetite?
If you find food to be a friend, what are the ways that you’ve been using food to comfort yourself? Do you have strategies that keep you from eating too much?
Whatever you have to share regarding comfort foods, I’d love to hear them. Feel free to even share a favorite recipe if you’d like. Just to let you know, I’m not pushing or recommending that you eat or starve your grief. I just want to know how grief affects your appetite and if you have any comfort foods. If you are having any grief related issues around food, definitely bring it up with your doctor or therapist.
As always, take good care of yourself,
Nikki