A common activity I have seen in grief and loss support groups, as well as online suggestions for managing these kind of emotions, is writing a grief letter. This can be a therapeutic activity that allows you to talk to the person that you have lost, as if they were still alive and able to fully listen to everything you want to say to them. I find that some days this is helpful and other days I am too focused on the silence that is so present afterwards. It can highlight the fact that the person is no longer with me and it’s hard to get past that. But sometimes, it’s extremely comforting to me. Usually, I do an activity like this when I feel like there’s just no one else who would understand certain things and that only my late husband, Charlie, would. That’s when I feel it helps the most, when you miss something that only this person you don’t have anymore used to do or say. I often imagine what they might say in response to me if they were still here. Other times, it’s nice to do this kind of activity in a grief support group or with other people where each one of you share some of what you wrote afterwards. When you can share your letter with others in a non judgmental atmosphere, then it makes up a little for that silence you might otherwise feel.
Purpose – Why Write a Grief Letter to Your Loved One
To continue on what I was saying above, writing a grief letter to the people that we no longer have physically present in our lives, can make us feel some sense of connection with them. What would you say to them today if they were still here? What would you ask them if you could just pick up your phone and call them? What is something that only they would understand? There is a saying that I have seen often and perhaps you have, too:
Grief is love with no place to go.
Well, in a way, writing a letter them gives it someplace to go to, someplace where the energy you had reserved for them can flow even if it’s only through a pen to a piece of paper. Sometimes, it will feel as if it’s just flowing into nothingness. But other times, it might feel like you’re really communicating with them. And in a sense, you are. They left something behind that has altered your life and thus, taken up a certain spot in your heart. And your heart is still here. Write to that spot and feel where they continue and will always reside.
Materials
Some people prefer to write by hand as it can be more satisfying to put pen to paper. And this is the way we did it in grief support groups as it is seems to connect much more with the rest of the group rather than everyone whipping out phones or laptops.
But if you are alone, or here with me, you may prefer to just type on your computer. Personally, I still prefer to write something so personal like this by hand, using my own handwriting. And then, if you do the Comfort Box activity, you can place it in there or some other place where you store memories. But you should do whatever makes you most comfortable.
- Piece of paper or journal
- Pen or pencil
- Computer with Microsoft Word or Notepad or writing app of your choice
Instructions
- Find a nice quiet place where you’re not going to be interrupted. You can play music softly in the background as long as it
doesn’t distract you from reflecting on your thoughts. Avoid television. - Set up your chosen medium for writing.
- Take your time and think very carefully about what you’d like to share with your loved one. I have listed some prompts below to help get you started if you need some help.
- No matter what you have to say to them, it’s okay! If you want to share happiness, sadness, anger, rage, etc…all of those things and more are perfectly fine.
Prompts to Help You Get Started
- I want you to know that…
- What I miss most is…
- You’re the only one who would understand that…
- I love that…
- Sometimes, I think about the time that…
- The best memory I have is…
- I am so angry that…
- I regret that…
- I feel guilty that…
- Writing to you makes me feel…
- If you were here, I would…
- My favorite thing about you was…
- Thank you for…
- The hardest thing about losing you is…
- Ways that I honor you are…
- I feel most connected to you when…
- I have grief triggers when…
- I am grateful for…
- I wish…
- One thing I never got to tell you was…
- Something that reminds me of you is…
- You made me feel…
A Personal Example
The first time I ever did this activity was right after my mother died. I was not in any grief support but someone else, I don’t remember who, suggested this to me. Maybe one day I’ll remember. But anyway, at the time, I felt skeptical about trying it because to me, it felt like doing something that was just flowing into an aybss. I tried it anyway and I made it somewhat short so not to be overwhelmed with thinking I had to produce a lengthy letter. I don’t have the letter and I wish now that I’d kept it so I could show it here. But I just wrote to my mother about some of the things I missed about her and things that I wished I could share with her. After that, I put the letter away and didn’t really think too much about it for the rest of the day.
Now, here’s the most interesting part of what happened as a result of this activity. I have always been a very vivid dreamer, which has not been a blessing a lot of the time, especially since grief has been in my life. Well, that very night, I had a dream that I had opened our back door and saw my mother heading across the grass towards me. She had a very pleased smile on her face and as she got closer to me, she reached into her pocket and held up my letter.
I was so startled by all of this that I woke myself up. You know, with one of those jolts that yanks you right back into reality. Then, I started crying. I couldn’t believe it. It was so sad and so beautiful all at the same time. And it made me feel like she actually did read it. That she really and truly heard me. It showed me then that this activity did, in fact, show some benefit for me.
Now, I’m not promising that if you do this activity, you’ll have the same experience or any experience at all. But I just wanted to show a personal example of what happened when I did it. Some people don’t dream and some people don’t think much of dreams. Most of the time, nightmares torment me, even to this day, so I don’t like to talk about dreams too much. But this dream was something I thought would be worth sharing.
Another Personal Example
This example is not as jolting as the previous one was to me. But it was something extremely reassuring to experience. My late husband, Charlie, and I used to write each other notes every day. He would write one before he left for work, which was always super early, and then leave it for me to find later when I got up. And I would write one back for him to find when he came home. Eventually, we bought journals to write in so we didn’t have loose pieces of paper everywhere. It’s one of my fondest memories and I still have these journals.
It’s one of things I miss most – having notes written to me like that and writing ones back. So, I have made journals of my own where I write him letters and tell him all about our children and things that I miss and things that bother me and so on. At first, I thought doing this kind of writing would be sheer agony because it’s only me who is writing and I don’t get a note back. But unexpectedly, I find it reassuring from time to time to continue writing to him like we used to do together. Like I can engage in an activity that was just for us. This is especially comforting to me on days when I feel like I just can’t relate to anyone or gather a sense of belonging with the world. Or when I feel like an outsider among other intact families.
I still have these letters so I can share a few passages to give you some ideas for your own letter.
Dear Charlie,
I still use your email sometimes and I love seeing how our youngest baby, Nick, was your avatar/profile picture. I miss seeing things like that the most. The little things, you know? To see how much our kids meant to you. Every once in awhile, I go to your Facebook page, too, and there we are – me and our teenies as your big picture. Husband and Daddy, that’s what you write at the very top in your About Section. And it’s all for me and them. You gave me the one thing I wanted all of my life. And now, it’s gone. Forever.
Remember how I used to draw this for you?
You loved it so much. I made you one out of clay once. I think it was for the very last Valentine’s Day we had together. I don’t know what happened to that sculpture. Most likely I got rid of it because it was too heartbreaking to look at.
Dear Charlie,
Our boys need you. I think Bradley needs you the most. I thought Nick would because you two were such buddies but I think Bradley really needs you. Ever since you died, he doesn’t really smile anymore, except in this weird, fake way. I have so much to tell you about our kids.
That’s all for now. I may share more in the future as they are relevant to other topics. I wish I could tell you that I dreamed about Charlie coming to me after writing to him the way I did with my mother or had some other mysterious sign from beyond so far, but it hasn’t had that effect on me. No, this is just something that reassures me in a different way because we used to write to each other.
Your Letters
But now, it’s your turn. If you’d like to write a letter to your loved one and share your letters (all or just some) here with me, I will be totally supportive and listen to anything you’d like to say. Feel free to write me over at nikki@grievingarts.com. Or if you have done this activity and had a positive experience or feelings of comfort as a result, I would like to hear about that, too. And I’m sure others would like to as well. You can comment below!
If you do, thank you so much for sharing and as always, take good care of yourself.
This blog post dives into the concept of using grief letters as a therapeutic tool for coping with the overwhelming emotions of grief and loss. By sharing their own personal encounters with this practice, the author highlights the potential benefits and occasional difficulties that may arise.
The author acknowledges the homeopathic nature of writing grief letters, allowing individuals to express their thoughts, emotions, and unfulfilled desires to their departed loved ones. By envisioning a conversation with the deceased, the author finds solace and a sense of connection, particularly when reminiscing about cherished memories or yearning for something only the late loved one would understand.
A notable aspect of the post is the suggestion of sharing grief letters within a supportive group setting. This recommendation emphasizes the importance of fostering a non-judgmental environment where individuals can openly exchange their letters and find comfort in the empathy and understanding of others. It adds an additional layer of healing by countering the silence often associated with grief.
Throughout the post, the author shares their personal perspective, making the topic relatable and empathetic to readers who may have undergone similar experiences. The post effectively conveys the author’s viewpoint on grief letter writing, offering a balanced portrayal of its advantages and potential complexities.
Hi Michele,
Thank you for your comment. Writing grief letters is one of many ways we can foster some sense of connection with the people we miss terribly. I”m glad you found it comforting.